Overcoming Transformation Shame

Being open and vulnerable is not something that comes natural to me. There are very few people who know my accomplishments and far less who know my deepest struggles. I have been a master at hiding my pain. I’ve always wanted  people to see the blessings rather than the struggles. But there I was in my kitchen, pealing potatoes for dinner when I felt an overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had to write.

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I quickly left the half-pealed potatoes on the cutting board and washed my hands. Then picked up my journal and started writing. In an instant a flood of words began to come into my head. In less than 5 minutes my work was complete. I looked down and read what I wrote. A poem? Lord did you just give me the words to a poem? Then He told me “Yes, now share it”. 

“Wait, what?” I heard myself say out loud as my heart sank to my stomach. A million thoughts came into my head. In one sense, I was so grateful the Lord shared a message with me. But at the same time I was afraid of what people would think. You see, when I first started blogging, the focus was supposed to be exclusively about our homesteading journey.  However over the past few years, the Lord has began to challenge me to use the gift He has given me to reach others about His undying love for us. I must admit I have been reluctant. The internet is mean. I have been afraid of negative comments and trolls. Then it hit me. I was experiencing transformation shame. Or in my case, I was hiding from the shame I could feel for speaking freely about my faith. 

We have become a culture that live our lives by what social media depicts as acceptable. Fear of speaking out the truth because it might disrupt the complaisant lifestyle we have adopted. Many believers would rather keep the greatest freedom we have ever felt a secret for fear of be ‘canceled’. We are silent in a world who needs bold believers more than ever. 

I found myself feeling guilty for being ashamed to share this beautiful poem that the Lord had given me. I read the poem to my husband that night. “You have to share this with others”, he said.  The next day I sat down at my dining room table with my bible and started researching and reading. I was quickly reminded of how many times the word speaks of this exact topic.

Matthew 10:32-33 says “So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.” Talk about a sucker-punch to the gut. God knew that we would feel ashamed of our transformation in Him. He knew that others might attack us for our faith. This is why he tells us not to ashamed. 1 Peter 4:16 say “However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” 

So here I go. Praising God for allowing me to be called His daughter. Praising God because I am free from the shame of my transformation. He has changed me and I am no longer the old me. Please read the poem below and I pray that it blesses you! 

 

The Old Me

It’s true that you knew me. 

The old me. 

You never thought in a million years that I would proclaim that He changed me. 

You remember when I was wild and free. 

But I promise you, the darkness I was living in was too deep for me to see. 

Blinded by the lies that He had forgotten me. 

When all along He waited patiently. 

Waiting for me to take a knee and be consumed by His glory. 

Now you laugh and roll your eyes at all my posts and “Jesus commentary”.

But see, you would never tear down an ex-junkie for getting clean.

So why do you chastise me for no longer being about that life but rather a daughter of the one true King. 

So the next time you see me with my hands raise to heaven’s highest peak, 

and your first thought is “Nice try old friend, but I remember who you used to be”

I’ll say “Well that may be, but I’ll raise you one, because the old me is now my testimony”. 

I pray that one day you will see and accept this free gift of life that HE has given me. 

His love is true freedom. I’ve never felt so happy. 

The weight has been lifted now that I am no longer a slave to the old me. 

 

 

I hope this post has blessed you. 

Until Next Time, 

Eva